Tomorrow I'll know...or "What's that heavy ball of steel in my guts?"

Ever since making the appointment to haul Strider to Brazos Valley Equine Hospital in Salado, I've been living with a tiny knot of anxiety in my stomach.

As we turned the corner and started the countdown on Monday, the knot of anxiety has transformed into a ball of lead in my stomach that's weighing me down. 

Every day, almost as soon as I'm alert, my mind ticks down; "5 more days until Saturday."...."4 more days until Saturday."

This morning it was "One more sleep, and then we'll know for sure."

This entire week has just been so outside of the norm, which has helped keep me from spending my evenings worrying away at my anxiety like a dog with a bone. 

Monday night we drove in to work so we could go visit Kaylee's first "babysitter", Miss A's daughter who just had her son.  So, we didn't get home until close to 10 that evening with all the driving.

Tuesday was normal, though we were all tired and cranky.  When we got home from work, Kaylee and I went out and filled up the troughs, which I noticed aren't as low as they used to be.  Either Tilly was a HUGE drinker, or my horses aren't drinking as much.  That doesn't make me very happy if it's the latter...and actually, the former makes me a little sad too.

But, Kaylee and I then went to go find the horses and check on them.  It's so funny how the loss of Tilly is felt in interesting and surprising ways.  I hadn't realized how easy she made it for me to find my herd.  GREAT BIG HUGE GLEAMING WHITE body is far easier to find than all black horse, and bay horse with 4 high white socks and the pony sized gray.  In fact, I found Zurkh first, although it took some looking, and then it took me another 30 seconds to spot the other 2.  Zurkh seems to be by himself.  Near the big boys, but not near them.  He and Tilly were the best of frenemies. 

But, I needed to lay hands on my 4 leggers.  I always do, just some nights, I run out of time to run out to visit with them.  It's become almost reflex now, I run my hands down Strider's left hind, gently palpating it, then run my hand down his right, seeing if they feel the same to my inexperienced hands.

Tuesday night, they felt identical.  But, that doesn't mean anything.  And I then spent the rest of the night fighting against hope.  Because if I allow myself to have hope, I'll be crushed if the news is he isn't better.

Wednesday we got a surprise inspection from the county appraiser to check on our cow, which, wasn't yet on site.  After some scrambling, we arranged to go pick her up, and a loaner "friend" for her from H.  She's a cute little zebu mix that I'm calling "Stripey" right now.  The other is nicknamed "Big Red" for now, but she's also a miniature cow.

Another night where we got home around 9:30ish.

Thursday morning saw us dragging out of the house, quite tired and more than a little cranky with a toddler in tow.  She fell asleep on the bus on the way to work and school and did NOT want to be awakened to get up and go to school.  I don't blame her as I slept all the way in to work myself.  The bonus of riding the bus.

Last night I made Joe and Kaylee go out and do a livestock check and fill the troughs since I was on deck to make dinner.  I didn't need to drive myself nuts touching Strider over and over again, because I'm quite firmly on that crazy train and we're flying out of the station to LooneyLand. 


I'm not sure how I'm going to get to sleep tonight.  I've asked Joe to help me unhook the stock trailer that H lent us to bring the cows home in, and help me hook up Hannibal and Red Draggin' for Strider's appointment tomorrow.  I already know I'm going to be a ball of nerves tomorrow, and hooking the truck up alone is already a stressful venture for me, and just one more thing I don't want to deal with tomorrow morning along with everything else. 

Not going to lie, I'm scared.  I keep trying to emotionally prepare myself for them saying "He'll never be riding sound again."  I know that's being over dramatic, but, the truth is, anything that's more positive than that is better than what's going on now, right?  Granted, if he's never able to be ridden again, he could probably go retire to "Golden Acres" with B's mom.  I just don't think I could bear to be parted from him though. 

These are the thoughts going through my head.

If he can no longer do endurance, that would also mean NATRC would be out for him too.  Maybe we could do ETS.  It was a relatively short trail ride broken up by obstacles that didn't push him too hard. 

I just can't imagine riding anyone but my best buddy.  Oh, he makes me mad.  He pisses me off something fierce.  But, I always tell people he is my reflection in horse form.  He and I share personalities.  Only his is a little bit bigger and tougher. 

I need more time to mentally adjust to the concept that someday I will have to replace him.  That someday he'll need to retire.  That someday he'll no longer be with me.

But, first thing I need to do is get through tomorrow. 

So, while I'm not a religious person, if you pray, and you're so inclined, spare a brief prayer for him?  If you're more of a "thoughts" or "healing energy" or "love and light" person, and you're so inclined, could you spare some for him?

And maybe a good night's sleep for me?  It's an hour haul to Salado.  A lot of time there and back for me to spiral mentally into bad places.  And a potentially long ride home with bad news.

Please, don't let it be bad news.  Even more time off is preferable and a recheck down the road. 

I'm ready for this lead ball in my stomach to dissipate and disappear. 

And I'm more than ready to have my best buddy back.