Reality checks...right in the heart...

At work today (well, I mean, it IS Monday, right?), and I'm flummoxed and emotionally twisted over finances and some health problems (nothing serious, but my gall bladder is on a personal mission to kill me...or at least make me want to carve it out with a spoon ["Why a spoon cousin?" "Because it's dull you twit, it'll HURT more!"]) and realizing that all of my plans for this week are spiraling out of control, and my desire to go to the barn Monday/Wednesday/Friday/Weekend (Pick a day, any day!) was going up in flames.

Well, suffice to say, I was NOT a happy camper. 

I haven't ridden either of my horses in well over a month, closer to 2 months.  I've only seen them twice in that span of time (owing to holidays and weather primarily), and I'm just frustrated and angry about it, and that's bleeding over into my entire life.

Honestly, it's not a joke when I say my horses are my therapy.  Good ride.  Bad ride.  I just need to ride.  Or just get me out there to spend time with my horses.  It's a mood shift and I need it so badly.

Anyway, I'm at work, doing all of the little tiny things that need to be done, returning phone calls, putting out tiny fires, answering emails and in the midst of all of that, I'm reading the blogs I follow.

I'll be honest; I'm new at following Endurance blogs.  Not due to lack of desire, but I haven't followed blogs since LiveJournal stopped being the place to hang out once Facebook crashed on the scene. 

But, for the past few months now, I've been following 2 local Hunter/Jumper bloggers. 

Now, when I follow a blog, that means I go back to the very first entry (assuming I can get to it) and I begin there.  I want the WHOLE story.  I want to know how we got from *there* to *here*, and that means to get it, I need to read it.  Plus, it's nice not having to wait for updates.  I'm kind of impatient.

One of the blogs is the $900 Facebook Pony about Henry and his rider Amanda.  I don't understand some of it (I don't speak "English"), but the pictures are always great and I love the glimpse in to a world of horses so different, yet so familiar, to my own.

But the other local H/J blogger I follow is She Moved to Texas about Simon and his rider Lauren.  I love reading Lauren's blog because it's got lots of different things.  How to make a successful blog.  How to do equine photography.  And even some equine DIY stuff!!  It's fantastic!!

So, $900 FB Pony is usually first up for me to check in the morning as Amanda does her posts kind of early in the day.  Lauren does her updates around 10 (she talks about that in one of her previous blog posts). 

However, I noticed last week on Friday there was no update.  Weird.  I checked sporatically throughout the day thinking maybe she was just late.  But, nothing.

And today there was an update.  And it brought all of my own plans, bothers and nuisances right in to sharp focus and contrast.

I mean, you know it's never good when a blog post has a title of "The Heart Hurts".  My first thought was she'd somehow lost Simon, and my heart sank.

But no.  It was worse.  SO much worse.

I thought, as I read she and her husband were going to end up divorced.

But no.  It was worse.  So SO much worse.

Her husband died of a drug OD.

And my life snapped back and I realized that in all of my own petty worries and concerns, here is the fellow equestrian who's dealing with some REAL shit.  REAL problems.  And a heartbreaking loss I can't even fathom.

And the sheer outpouring of love for her on her blog.  Touching. 

I hope that some of the pain eases for her.  I know her heart will never be whole again.  How can it be?  But may the pain lessen over time.  May she find love and comfort and get through the rough times ahead as she has to go through the unthinkable of planning a funeral for someone she planned to live out the rest of her life with.  And she figures out where to go from here.

Her life will never be the same. 

And mine?  My life really isn't that bad. 

I needed that reality check today.  But not at that high of a painful price.